Writer's Block: Cyberstalking

So, Livejournal, here comes my confession.

My name is Emmelyn Cindy Mah, and I am a cyberstalker. Point and laugh, because this is the cold and hard truth. I'm not going to sugarcoat it; I look up my ex-dickwad's Friendster profile from time to time, and I'm going to tell y'all why.

To be honest, I had logged onto LJ today to make an entry of some sort on cyberstalking, as well. For some ODD, ODD, ODD reason, LJ's Writer's Block theme of the month just happened to be IT. Like, IT. So friggin' perfect, key and lock, ball and chain sort of IT.

Co-inkydink much?

The question remains, though. Why do I cyberstalk my ex? Is it because, after all this time, (he dumped me unceremoniously on MSN on April 15th last year) I still feel something for him?

Hell no.

I'm way past my romance days with him. I can look him in the eye, those eyes that I used to find oh-so-attractive, and I can tell him to his face that he's an ass, for not only making me believe that we could live out our happily ever afters together, for not only making me fall in love with him, but for taking away so many pieces of me, that even now, it affects me.

What he did affected me, and to this day, affects me.

We started out as any couple was likely to do. We met in school, and we shared a common passion for music, for God, and for each other. We spent our days together, whether it was in class, or outside of class.

...and then we both got too busy. Too busy to talk, too busy to communicate, too busy for anything. And there was a woman--in hindsight, women--between us. I can't say with absolute certainty that there was something between him and those women, but I can hate him for not telling me.

So he broke me. He broke me on MSN, the one place in which anyone should not get dumped. He dumped me and he tried to make it sound as if it was my fault. I'm no hypocrite; I'll admit, some of it was my fault. I have always prided myself on the fact that I'mmore independant than most other girls. I don't need a man to chauffer me around, and I don't need a man to pay for my meals. That, in and of itself is nice, but I generally just work well on my own.

I'm not saying I don't miss all that. I do. I miss being loved, and I miss having someone to go to. I miss having someone to cry at.

I never cried to him. Not a lot, at any rate. Not when I got bad grades in school, and not when my sister left for Singapore. Maybe that de-manned him somehow; I don't know. My point in this is that I work for myself, and I worked hard. In working hard, I neglected him, and he neglected me.

And so he broke my heart. He lied about 'loving me lots', and he lied about 'loving me forever'. He lied each and every time he called me his sweetheart, or his dear. or his hime. He was a lying hypocrite, and all I got at the very end was an apology.

Do I cyberstalk him because I want to know what's going on with his life? Partly. I am friends with him on Friendster, still. (For those of you who don't know, Friendster is an old, old, OLD version of Facebook that isn't widely used any more) Sure, I check it out from time to time, and then I get bitter and angry. Personally, I think it's a stupid thing to do, but sometimes, I just can't help myself. I want to know--if he's doing well in his studies, and if, (God forbid), he's got a new girlfriend. And God forbid she's a step-up from me, because heaven knows he deserves something not-so-great.

Is there another reason as to why I put myself in this sort of torture? I guess, maybe, just maybe, some part of me misses the idea of him. He was by no means a perfect boyfriend, but he was good company while we were still in our early puppy-love days.Some stupid, brainless part of me actually cared about him, and loved him.

And that is why it burned so much.

Do I want to see him again, face to face?

The answer is yes. Yes, I want to see him again. Yes, I want to show him how far I've come since him.

Yes, I want him to squirm at the prospect of knowing that I am far better off without him. It's sick, I know, but I believe I have a right to this. I believe I should at least get the chance to shove it in his face.

Yes, dickwad, in your face.

And while I'm waiting for him to man-up and look me in the eye when I drive past him, I'll stalk him, regardless of how nasty a habit it is, and keep myself happy knowing he's somewhere out there, alone and oily-faced with the knowledge of what he's done to me upon his conscience.

Bitch-rant over, Emmy out. Hurrah!

People Watching is Good For Winding Down.

The generally stressed displacement of my current lifestyle aside, I've come to realise that I really do need some sit-down alone, drink-coffee and contemplate life time. I've been so busy with my assignments and whatnot lately that this--that is to say, my current disposition--can really be considered a good thing.

So Mandy came down to KL this morning, and the three of us, her, me, and Che are gonna drive back to Penang later.

I say later because, as I type this out, they are both getting pedicures. Hahaha.

I've never been much of a pedicure person, to be honest. I joke about giving Phyl pedicures a lot of the time, but the idea of people touching my feet with sharp pointy things freaks me out a bit.

Or it could be that Phyl's perception of pedicures has spread somewhat to me.

In between my PR writing class, in which I turned in a quiz and an in-class assignment, and driving back to Penang, I find myself here at Starbucks--The Gardens, doing absolutely nothing of importance other than to people watch.



One of the things I wonder most about in my life is whether or not I have ever been the source of entertainment for someone as they people-watched. Have I ever been laughed at, pointed at, looked disdainfully at? Obviously, yes. The point, however, is that I don't realise it at those specific moments in time. Even now, I can't be sure if there are people people-watching me, as I am people-watching others.

To be fair, there are a lot of better things for one to do in Starbucks. I could, for one, concentrate on my assignment, as I am supposed to do. I could surf the internet. (Barring the fact that, really, my Caramel Macchiato was bought in PBD and NOT The Gardens' Starbucks) I could even just sit around and admire the general scenery of the place.

But people watching is just too much damn fun.

For instance. There is a couple seated a table to my left. They're not actually patrons of Starbucks; I don't see their cups, at any rate. They are, however, pretty darn cute when put together. He leans over to whisper in her ear as she types in her laptop, and she's giggling right about now. They look very happy together. Huddled together in a world of their own, without regard for others (like me, ha!) who have nothing better to do than to intrude upon their privacy by occasionally slanting my gaze over.

How would I describe them? In one word?

I would say, 'carefree'.

Then there are the girls who are seated one table away from the happy couple. Drinks upon their table, and a macbook propped open. Friends, or sisters, I should think. Out for a day of relaxation and rest, or suckered into a situation where they have no internet. (Much like I was, many moons ago.) Ten bucks says they're checking their Facebook pages.

How would I describe -them-? I can't do it in one word this time; there is a phrase for it.

'Living the high life.'

And then there is the old woman, in the bright-orange and pink sari, so beautifully draped in the Gujerati style, who walked past us all. She stares straight ahead, intent upon her destination. Perhaps her children, now grown, have brought her out for a day of shopping. Perhaps what she really wants is to be home, cooking the night's tandoori for dinner. Perhaps she's enjoying herself. I watch her for mere seconds, and I cannot gauge her person. But I can try, and by doing so, I find myself imagining her life. It amuses me somewhat.

Lastly, there is the guy who walked past, carrying two jars of... stuff in his arms. Wearing a backpack. Again, intent upon his destination. Possibly laughing inwardly at the fact that he's walking around with two jars, and wondering if others are sharing in his inward laughter. Flushing hotly at the fact and wishing no-one would find his jars of stuff an oddity.

Do any of them stop to smell the roses? Are they watching others, as others are invariably watching them? Everyone is intent upon their own lives, their own persons. I am intent upon my blog-entry. (Which I am certain makes no actual sense at all)

I do suppose that my long ramble can serve quite a number of purposes.

- To spread the love of people-watching.
- To question the hectic lifestyle of people in general.

The cutest thing I have seen thus far, though, is this.

A man, well-aged. A young boy, presumably his grandson, clutching his arm as they both walk past. A big, brightly-coloured plastic bag in his hands. I could assume that it was a gift. Indeed, I want to; the imagery is so colourful and happy, then.

People-watch, people. It opens your eyes to things you never really see.

And on that note, it's back to my assignment for me!

The Five Stages of Grief

According to Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, when we are dying, or have suffered a catastrophic loss, we all move through five distinct stages of grief. We go into denial, because the loss is so unthinkable, we can't imagine it's true. We become angry with everyone; angry with survivors, angry with ourselves--then we bargain. We beg, we plead--we offer everything we have. We offer up our souls in exchange for just one more day. When the bargaining has failed, and the anger is too hard to maintain, we fall into depression, despair, until finally, we have to accept that we have done everything we can. We let go. We let go and move into acceptance.

--taken from Grey's Anatomy, Season 6, Episode 1: Good Mourning

Grief comes in many forms. In our lives, we have lost those who'd mattered to us, to death, to disease, to arguments, to quarrels, and to the very simple, yet exceedingly sad phenomena known to us as, 'drifting apart'.

I am one of the fortunate few to have kept, to this very day, the very same friends that I have loved since high school. I have my girls, and they are my support system. They pick me up when I fall, and they cry when I cry. They're my best friends, my sisters, and they have contributed an untold amount of what has shaped me into the person that I am today.

They have contributed in the form of love.

How do we deal with grief when our friends leave us? Education is a matter of importance; you cannot begrudge them their chances to spread their wings and fly. You encourage it, in fact. You hide the needles in your heart, and you cheer for the fact that they will be successful, that they are successful. You hide the pain as you watch them walk past that barrier at the airport, until at last, you can't hide it anymore, and the feelings, kept for so long in that locked little box at the corner of your mind, burst forth and swallow you whole.

You can't hide the pain then, and so you fall apart.

I love you so much, Sharyl, and I don't know what I'm going to do when you leave. I can't promise that I can be strong in your absence; you're my rock, and you've always been there for me. The closest reference I can draw to what I feel for you, is what I feel for my sister, and she is the person that I love the most in the whole world.

My heart sank. It literally sank when I read your facebook message. I'm afraid of November. I'm afraid of waking up on my 21st birthday and finding that you're not here to celebrate it with me. I'm afraid of losing this part of me that I hold so dear, and I'm afraid of going back to Penang and knowing that you won't be there, that you won't answer when I ask you out for ice-cream.

I'm so afraid to lose you, but you have to go.

The box is opened, and I'm at grief now. I've got one more month to reach acceptance, and I don't know if I can.

I love you, my best friend.

Movie Review: Up

I -loved- Up. LOVED it. I'm throwing in a full 5/5 for it, because Disney and Pixar has totally, completely sucked me dry of tears with this movie. (I bawled, therefore, no more tears, see? Laugh, people, LAUGH.)

I was pleasantly surprised at the beginning of the film, to see the short film that they'd aired in true Pixar fashion. (something about cloud-beings that made babies/fuzzy cute things/fun stuff with lightning and puffs of clouds, which were then delivered to people down in a suburb town.)

I giggled as the storks swept in. Made a girly d'awww when kittens were dropped at a door. Another, when a baby was dropped. Laughed at the ingenuity of it all when the storks swooped to the clouds to retrieve other things to deliver.

The short made me think that friendship is perhaps one of the most beautiful things in the world. No matter how much your friend hurts you, you come back; because at the end of the day, it's your friend. Watch that short; it'll make you giggle and cry all at the same time.

Twenty minutes into Up, I was bawling like a baby. Carl Fredrickson and Ellie Fredrickson are perhaps two of the sweetest couples I've seen on the big-screen in a long, long time. That she'd died, and left him her 'adventure book', was something so touching, that it made me want to cry again and again, and again. They were loving; they had each other.

I want to find a Carl Fredrickson of my own, and I want to grow old with him the way Ellie grew old with hers.

Even the biggest bunch of misfits can fit together if there's love all around.

I could understand little Russell's determination and pain to hang onto his female-with-a-male-name-pet bird. Here's a little boy, very happy outside, but you know he has his problems. Like Carl, he's missing something in his life, and he's lonely. The journey that they take together not only makes them stronger within, it gives them hope, and it gives them each other.

Does anyone else realise that Carl no longer needs his cane by the middle of the movie? Once again, Disney sends us subliminal messages through this tiny little detail.

Have the adventure you've always wanted, no matter how old, or how young you are. Live on life, and every day will be the best day you've ever had. They all certainly look happy up there.

All in all, I have to say, that Up was possibly one of THE best movies I've seen this year. It made me laugh and cry, it made me want to watch it again and again and again.

My parting words are these.

"I hid under your porch because I love you." - Dug, Up

Ain't life simple in the head of a dog? ;)

Good boy, Dug. We all love you too.

P/S - Is it just me, or does Alpha's voice sound like Foamy the Neurotic Squirrel?

The Singapore Diaries: The Final Stretch Home

This is WAY long overdue, but I had some thoughts to share on my last day--well, morning, rather, in Singapore. To recap:

Day 1, 23rd July, Thursday:
- Arrive in Singapore

Day 2, 24th July, Friday:
- Cooked dinner

Day 3, 25th July, Saturday:
- The ZONE. 8D

Day 4, 26th July, Sunday:
- Church, listened to Pastor Judah Smith, CHEESE. <3
- Rollerblading with Snuffpeet and Snuffpeet's housemates.

Day 5, 27th July, Monday:
- Home-bound.

So. I got to the airport early in the morning; my flight had been delayed to 10:30 AM, so I had to take the cab there by myself, as Snuffpeet had to work. Decidedly held my breath all the way there, as I was coughing and didn't want driver to freak out. H1N1 scares are so annoying.

The airport wasn't quite full per-se, but there were a lot of people wearing face-masks, as if it would protect them from all the H1N1 scares. I was, admittedly, held with the overwhelming urge to sneeze in one of their faces, but I was afraid I'd get arrested; it was Singapore, after all.

So, in the waiting room, as I sat staring out of the window at the plane which was to carry me back to Penang, I realised one thing.

The plane looks like my seal. Hello, plane. Hello, Andre.

It took a little while for me to get over the hilarity of the situation. Planes are cuter than ever now, and all because I can attach my stinky, eleven-year-old stuffed seal to their images. XD

I landed in Penang around 12, and sat around in McD's with my laptop waiting for dad to get here. Then I went home, slept, and woke up with a horrible fever, flu, and cough.

A month later, in retrospect, I have to say, it would've been pretty damn scary if I hadn't been so sure that God was there for me there and then. HOWEVER, the doctor says it's not H1N1, and that it's just due to the hazy weather that's been going around like mad lately.

At any rate, I'm not dead yet. So, QED, it's not H1N1. Huzzah!

The Singapore Diaries: The Zone 2009

Okay, this is way, WAY overdue. (Considering how all this happened two weeks ago. ._.)

Okay. So. The Zone.

My goody bag, consisting of a scribble notepad (with colourful sticky notes), a pen, my ticket, and two glow-sticks for the concert!

Happened on Saturday, the 25th of July, 2009.

Hillsong United had a concert, and Pastor Judah Smith came over from Seattle to preach.

Suffice to say, it was the single most amazing experience of my life.

Singapore has been an awakening for me. A renewal of faith. It was through this conference that I finally found the connection I'd always wanted with our Holy Father. I found God, and I let him in at last.

It was an amazing experience, that wasn't limited to just the sheer AWESOME that was Hillsong United. I could feel the presence of God in that place, that had absolutely nothing to do with the sheer intensity of the crowd. It felt like home.

I let loose, like I never had before. :)

I can't really remember what Hillsong United played, but I was pretty certain about two of the singers who were there. Joel Houston, Jad Gillies.

...I don't know who the lady was, but her voice was beautiful, and there was another fellow who was given solos, also, but I have NO idea who he is. ._.

But yes. What I -do- remember is that they started with 'Freedom is Here', and I was sold.

Because, really, that song? That opening? THAT BEAUTIFUL OPENING RIFT, OMG. Yes. The second I heard that song, I was SOLD SOLD SOLD.

Other songs that were played included 'Tear Down the Walls' (which is AMAZING), 'Desert Song', 'Your Name High', 'The Stand', 'Yours Forever', 'You Hold Me Now', 'From the Inside Out', 'Solution', 'One Way', and some others I can't remember. I would've taken count, of the titles, but really, I was there for the EXPERIENCE, and it was BRILLIANT.

I had a moment of wanting to cry when they started to play 'Hossana'. That is ultimately my FAVOURITE Hillsong song; it's beautiful. Hearing it live was possibly one of the best things in this world, and is comparable to even the yummiest sushi in the world.

I had ANOTHER moment of wanting to cry when they played 'All I Need is You' RIGHT after Hossana. I mean, COME ON. TWO of my favourite songs. ._. In a row.

Pastor Judah Smith was just an explosion of AWESOME, also.

On a deeper level, though, besides his funny quirks and his amusing witticisms, what he preaches makes a lot of sense, and I'm glad I got to listen to him twice. (Including in New Creation when I went for service the next day, HA!)

I want to move to Seattle to listen to him preach every week. XD

But yeah. I really -do- feel enlightened, having been blessed with his messages. I literally, just felt like a new person after leaving that hall, and it hasn't changed. I'm very happy about this. Exceedingly. Like, up in the clouds, knocked in the head happy.

And this, too, shall last! I shall now go and listen to Pastor Judah Smith's sermons online! *runs off*

The Singapore Diaries: Day II

To be fair, nothing happened on day II of my visit. Absolutely NOTHING of any consequence, at least for me.

Things that I did.

Woke up in the morning, and went out to shop for ingredients with Snuffpeet at the market; had a good breakfast/brunch of roasted duck and roasted pork rice, and then went back to the house.

Snuffpeet had to work; while she was at work, I rotated between my lappie-top and the kitchen to cook dinner for the Snuffpeet's housemates and... yeah. Dinner for all. 8D

I did not take any pictures, but no one died eating my dishes, thank you very much. I made!

Potato + Carrot + Chicken soup
Pork patties with Basil and Garlic
Eggs fried with Onion
Cabbage cooked with Carrot slivers and Dried Prawns

Yes, everyone enjoyed dinner. Yes, I enjoyed -cooking- dinner. No, I did not wash. 8D

We watched Sense and Sensibility after dinner. I HAD NO IDEA HUGH LAURIE WAS IN IT.

Ohmai, Hugh Laurie goodness~!

All in all, it was a pretty... homey, yet satisfying day. 8D